The Wrong Thing

Since my diagnosis with a life-threatening disease, I have had many conversations with many friends that usually, at some point, hit the sentiment that my friend is afraid to say the wrong thing.  There are many more unrealized interactions with friends who are so afraid, they can't speak at all.  That's a shame, if ever there was someone to practice on, I assure you it's me.  I believe that even the wrong thing said from the heart, without malice or bad intent, is the right thing.  For me, worse than saying the wrong thing is avoiding me.

But that's me, and that's not true of everyone.

Susan Silk and Barry Goldman, in an op-ed piece for the LA Times, suggest the "ring theory" in choosing one words in all crises - medical, job loss, divorce, death....  Their theory says to comfort in, dump out.

In short, imagine the person of concern in the middle of concentric rings.  It's their job loss, diagnosis, crisis...they can say anything to anyone as they come to grips with their new normal.  In the next ring is a spouse and the kids.  They may have concerns and feel like complaining about the situation, but they can't do it to the person in the middle, only outwards to the next circle.  That may include the employer, and very close friends.  Outwards from there is associates, parishioners, friends and extended family.  And so on.  (This incidentally is the exact order in which we announced my cancer; we actually thought of it in terms of concentric rings and started working from the middle out.)

So while you may wish to tell the afflicted that life isn't fair, it shouldn't happen to such a nice person, etc. that is exactly the wrong thing to say to the wrong person.  Believe me, I know first hand.  That kind of talk comes with an expectation that the person will offer you comfort - which frankly, I haven't the energy to do for outer circle friends and associates.  Offer me, offer my wife and kids words of comfort instead, and save your complaining to the person in the circle further out - your husband who's never met me, for example.

Here's a link to the original article.  If it won't help you in dealing with me, don't worry, you'll have lots of practice as life goes on and reality hits someone you can't avoid.  http://goo.gl/ZOKxr

Waiting

In the 80s I had a room in a house with 7 other people.  One of my roommates was a talented playwright who wrote a musical called "Waiting".  It was about the waitstaff in a restaurant who aspired to be elsewhere and otherwise, most of them actors waiting for their big break so they could get out of the restaurant biz, so they could stop being waiters (get it?)  It featured a catchy tune I can still hear in my head more than 30 years later..."I don't want to wait...forever"

And yet that's what so many sales people do.  Wait for the phone to ring, wait for the customer to walk in the door, wait for the prospector or business developer to turn over a hot lead, waiting for their big break....

Hey, I know it's hard, but fewer and fewer customers are walking through the door these days, whether it be the door of the telephone, or email, or an on-line inquiry, or the actual door of a retail establishment.  You don't want to wait forever, do you?

The successful sales person of the future will not rely on location, advertising, marketing or anyone other than themselves to find the client and develop the biz.  

All those things will only be sales support.  The rest is will be up to you.  But here's a hint...

It already is.

Dr. Oz, Bill Cosby Prove Twitter Is Still a Dangerous Game

Dr. Oz, Bill Cosby Prove Twitter Is Still a Dangerous Game.



Here's a great, short blog post that shows the dangers in leaving yourself wide open on social media. Seems to me if you're going to open the door, you should imagine worst case scenario first and then decide if you're willing to risk it.

Advice from a More Experienced Blogger Than I

Warren Kinsella wrote a nice piece on how to deal with on-line trolls.  This is a person who says negative things anonymously - generally just stirring things up.  I was accused of being a troll once, which helped me to be a little more careful about any comments I make on-line, and to whom.  (I wasn't technically a troll since I identified myself but the clever blogger turned my last name "Tyrrell" into "Troll."  She's so smart.)

I've been the victim of trolls in the past, but for the most part what I write is so inconsequential you'd have to be a really bored troll to notice.  Cowardly and anonymous?  Yes.  But undeniably bored if you're reading this drivel.

Here's Kinella's piece.  I completely object to the term "human garbage" in the body of his essay, but I suspect he doesn't care what I think.  http://goo.gl/FgrAuP

To the Non-Swimmers...

My mother-in-law knows only one joke.  More accurately, she has told only one joke that I remember, and it is so funny that she need never tell another.  It's about the German airliner, Lufthansa, and a plane that gets ditched into the Atlantic Ocean.  If you're old enough, imagine this in Sgt. Shultz's voice.  The pilot, in my mother-in-law's perfectly overblown but completely authentic German accent, instructs the "schvimmers" (swimmers) to deplane onto the right wing, and the "non-schvimmers" to deplane to the left wing.  He then stands on the fuselage and instructs the swimmers on the right wing to head towards Iceland.  "To the schvimmers, dot vay is Izeland.  Gut luck!"  He turns and salutes the remaining passengers and delivers the punchline.  "To the non-schvimmers, tank you for flyink Lufthansa!"

It's beautiful because it encapsulates the impression we have of Germans as being, shall we say, a little cut and dry.  Delivered in her impression of an authoritarian pilot with a heavy German English accent, my mother-in-law has us on the floor laughing before she even gets to the punchline, no matter how many times we've heard her tell it.  And finally, the "thank you for flying Lufthansa!" is a perfect a combination of procedural politeness and brutal dismissal.  It's the unexpected punchline that makes a joke worthwhile.

Somewhere in that is a lesson for all of us who hear unreasonable complaints, and however rare that is, they do happen.  When it becomes apparent that nothing we can do will remedy the situation and the customer will forever unreasonably hold us responsible (they're non-swimmers in an ocean of reasonable expectations and good manners), it wouldn't hurt to put a smile on our face and end the conversation politely, thank the customer for their patronage, wish them well, and then start swimming for Iceland. 

It also helps me to hear my mother-in-law's voice in my head dismissing the non-swimmers because, in truth and through no fault of the organization, there's just nothing else that can be done to please them.  It always brings a smile to my face just exactly when I need it most.

Thank you for flying Lufthansa.

Oh Lord Open My Lips

"If you watch the video of the half time entertainment at the 2002 Super Bowl in New Orleans, you can hear Bono, over the music and the cheering, speaking into the microphone: "Lord, open my lips that my mouth may sing forth your praise."  These are the same words spoken at the beginning of the Liturgy of the Hours every day in the Catholic Church."  Deacon Greg Kandra

I wish I wasn't so damned cynical that I could have appreciated this performance as much then, as I do now.

Watch the video here:  U2 at the 2002 Super Bowl

The Steve Report...Making Sense of Business Events: Speakers: A Critical View

The Steve Report...Making Sense of Business Events: Speakers: A Critical View: "As buyers of speakers for our event(s), have we built the wrong model? With the recent global economic reports of another potential reboun..."

An Article by Cortney E. Martin and John Cary: "Greg Mortenson and our false ideals about social change"

The co-authors of this article, Cortney E. Martin and John Cary absolutely nail it in one sentence, " In this culture of 24/7 news, swollen with schadenfreude, Mortenson appears on the brink of becoming another tragic figure – the most recent saint to fall from his pedestal of six-figure book contracts, sold-out speaking engagements, and CAI’s millions in annual donations..."  


Read more:  Greg Mortenson and our false, ideals about social change

Humility

Deacon Greg Kandra blogged this piece on Humility, and I share it with you.

A friend posted this on her Facebook page, and it seems too good not to share. Here are some thoughts, then, on humility from the writings of Saint Josemaria Escriva:

The Seventeen Evidences of a Lack of Humility

1. To think that what one says or does is better than what others say or do

2. To always to want to get your own way

3. To argue with stubbornness and bad manners whether you are right or wrong

4. To give your opinion when it has not been requested or when charity does not demand it

5. To look down on another’s point of view

6. Not to look on your gifts and abilities as lent

7. Not to recognize that you are unworthy of all honors and esteem, not even of the earth you walk on and things you possess

8. To use yourself as an example in conversations

9. To speak badly of yourself so that others will think well of you or contradict you

10. To excuse yourself when you are corrected

11. To hide humiliating faults from your spiritual director, so that he will not change the impression he has of you

12. To take pleasure in praise and compliments

13. To be saddened because others are held in higher esteem

14. To refuse to perform inferior tasks

15. To seek to stand out

16. To refer in conversation to your honesty, genius, dexterity, or professional prestige

17. To be ashamed because you lack certain goods

Five Regrets of Dying

Here is an article I got from a very good friend and fellow Deacon. I share it with you...

As you know I minister in the area of Hospice Palliative Care. This article was written up in our local newsletter at Sakura House from THE STAR. I pass it on as a point of interest. ~ Doug

The following story was in "The Star Online". Please share with others who may enjoy this piece. Let's challenge ourselves to try to not have the same regrets.

Five regrets of the dying - Sunday November 28, 2010

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would have done differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it's easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even half of their dreams and knew that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many had not been breadwinners.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often patients would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called "comfort" of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and themselves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

The Cowardly Manager’s Guide to Dealing with Poor Performers

To quote Kim Mitchell on the mighty Q - "Damn, I wish I wrote that!"

Here's a great blog about leadership:

The Cowardly Manager’s Guide to Dealing with Poor Performers